Pirates of the Fairly Beaten
The network news, once the crown jewel of the TV revenue fleet now sits nearly dead in the water, listing to its port side (that’s the LEFT side, by the way) as millions of viewers continue to jump overboard to escape its liberal bias. Who was on the bridge during the mutiny? Cap’n Rather…but his “tall tales” forced him to ultimately walk the plank. A cruel and untimely trip to Davy Jones Locker spared Commodore Jennings a crueler and more humiliating demise. Commander Brokaw was in the wheelhouse but he left the hefty seven figure salary to go mumble for some cable outlet dinghy. (FACT: Four out of five people confuse the sound of gargling with Brokaw’s nightly mumble).
Brokaw, Rather, and
Jennings unknowingly helped bring about the destruction of the informational stranglehold called Network News. Their measured leftist rants, calculated omissions, and just plain ol’ lies constructed to help move their political agenda made jumping ship easier. Besides, who wants to wait around for three old gray-beards to fill us in once every twenty-four hours? (FACT: Lines at the DMV move faster.)
We’ve all seen him, the guy videotaping his kid’s high school graduation still using one of those giant, clunky VHS camcorders. You want to shout, “Hey, the eighties are over pal…upgrade!” And now
America is upgrading from the old, antiquated network news to the internet. (“Where are you going with that microwave? Oh, sorry Old Timer, that’s your cell phone.”)
The immediacy and vastness of the internet has made it the perfect fit for today’s more mobile and savvy citizens. This new media offers us regular types a chance to gather real-time information from a myriad of news sources and compile our own picture as events unfold worldwide. It’s like being our own news anchor – only without the dour face and leftward tilt.
The Network News Ship is sinking and all Commander Katie and the rest can do is order the band to play on.
LouThompson@clearchannel.comGet your Hate Straight
Breaking News!
Sean Penn hates President Bush.
Bulletin:
An anti-war protest breaks out in
San Francisco!
News Alert:
Anna Nicole Smith died of a drug overdose!
(FACT:
Anna was so high she is still unaware of her own death.)
Really though, Sean Penn blowing his stack again over the Iraqi war is like announcing the sky is still blue...minus all the shouting and expletives, of course. Penn loves to hate, lives to hate, and the media loves to feed off his hate.
(FACT:
It’s rumored Sean and fellow
Hollywood hot-head Alec Baldwin carpool to anger management class together -- talk about a need for continuing education!)
Actor Penn has perfected the “squeaky wheel” scenario so much so we now just measure his predictable screeds in Complaints Per Minute (CPM). A Bush-hating rant collects about 134 Complaints Per Minute. 72 Complaints Per Minute gets gawking paparazzi to leave him alone. 16 Complaints Per Minute gets the paperboy to stop throwing the paper into the shrubs. 279 CPMs are still being directed monthly to the manager who got him the part of dope-dulled idiot Spicoli in the “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” movie. Sean’s a deep thinker these days...so deep that logic and reason are hard to make out from those depths.
Mr. Penn and many of his anti-war supporters on the left who compare President Bush to a terrorist and even Hitler surely must know that the Democrats are now running Congress.
Think about this, if you could have cut Hitler’s evil war machine off at the knees simply by de-funding it -- you wouldn’t need poll numbers and endless committee meetings to figure it out.
In fact, anti-war protesters Code Pink has figured it out.
They’ve started directing their protests at Democrats who can actually shut the war machine down.
I don’t agree with Code Pink’s position on the
Iraq war but they seem dedicated to getting results and not just filling a CPM quota.
Finally I challenge you Mr. Penn, to a dual.
That’s right.
I challenge you to say one thing nice about President Bush and I’ll say something nice about you.
And I’ll even go first.
I don’t agree with you on nearly everything but I will say your performance in “
Mystic River” was so incredible and moving I forgot I hated most of your guts most of my life.
Your incredible talent from that role alone has made me more apt to grab a Penn-starred flick these days.
Now while I vomit...it’s your turn.
3 4 U
Presidential hopeful Barack Obama smeared some big mud on his rival Senator Hillary Clinton using an old Apple Computer “1984 Big Brother” ad. Uh oh, a clarification is needed. This altered internet ad was not the work of anyone officially associated with the Obama for President Campaign and instead was done by (I’m doing those air quotes now) “an unpaid, disavowed surrogate.” (FACT: Those “air quotes” are lame but their use goes up every year.) Painting Hillary as the “Old Guard Democrat” only capable of spewing clichéd niceties to the mind-numbed throngs was brilliant. There is only one problem. Obama has unfortunately stepped between Hillary and the Oval Office...God help him.
It seems that Barbara Walters’ grilling of another
America hating foreign dictator (Oops, duly elected, dictator) once again had all the hardball questions one might hear at a quilting circle. (FACT: The tossing of rose petals in front of royalty has more velocity than any Barbara Walters interview.) In fact, so predictable is Barb’s love for anything anti-Bush that most of
America didn’t even notice. A different story back at her TV show “The View” Walters no doubt received hi-fives from its two brain sharing, ultra-liberal gas bags with only a polite “present” coming from little Miss Hasslebeck.
It’s a recurring dream I have...I’m in this dank train station reaching for my ticket when I spill coffee all over my jacket and onto the subdued grey tile. “Wet mop on aisle three...wet mop on aisle three, please” echoes over the loud paging system as my eyes try to focus on the old, weathered, East German cleaning woman appearing from the shadows with a mop and bucket. But instead of a sturdy, slightly mustached middle aged gal out comes a tall, sexy woman wearing a French maid outfit. Hey, that’s supermodel and super-hothead, Naomi Campbell. It seems Ms. Campbell deals with employee theft differently than the rest of us. The Former Elite model threw her cell phone at her maid after accusing her of stealing a pair of jeans (FACT: Throwing a cell phone, built before 1987, is actually considered attempted murder.) The leggy runway queen was convicted and sentenced to serving as a
New York cleaning lady for a week as her community service. The train station toilets may not get much cleaner, but seeing a six foot beauty on all fours makes
New York a nicer place to visit.
© 2008